I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
