I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My cat gives me a boner
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
