My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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