I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
