Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
