Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
