I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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