...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
