His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
