i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
