The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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