Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
