OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
false alarm, still single
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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