everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
