Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
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