You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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