Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
