The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday