It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
