my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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