3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
