I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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