if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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