The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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