i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
