Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
