i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
