i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
