tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
