you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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