My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
