dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
