the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation