24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?