You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?