I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
