Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
