i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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