I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
