cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Randomize
