Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
