grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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