I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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