Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.