I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
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Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.