I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
