She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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