I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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