So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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