She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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