I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
