her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
