So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
