We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven