i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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