your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
